EXCLUSIVE – @thebig_sam Speaks Out!
Twitter stalwart @thebig_sam is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Speaking for the first time since he was suspended from the popular social networking site, he unleashed a volley of Northern Fire at an opportunistic impersonator and pledged that, one way or another, he’ll be back online within a week.
“Two hours!” he roared. “That’s all it took for some fucker to start impersonating me! He’ll get what’s coming to him. He’ll be sat at his desk one day – stroking his lank hair with his bony, lying fingers – and Big Sam will swoop upon him like a magnificent maelstrom of anger and cunning. He’s a disgrace. He’s playing with a Tiger and he’s armed with a plasticine gun. He shall be vanquished.”
Choking back tears of rage, @thebig_sam recounted the moment he discovered that Twitter had frozen him out.
“I’d just returned from wine-tasting. Well, I say ‘wine-tasting.’ It’s basically a big shed where myself and a few friends meet up of an evening to taste wine and watch chickens fight to the death. Anyway, I came home and I knew something was wrong. The missus was crying, the answer-machine was blinking like Harry Redknapp and my dog Fergie had defecated everywhere. I logged on to my internet computer and my world came crashing down. It soon became eye-gougingly clear what had happened – they’d done a Mandela on me. I’d been dethroned and send packing to a virtual Robben Island. A travesty.”
A friend of @thebig_sam, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Twitter had moved to suspend the account three days ago, but revealed that no official reason had been given for the ban.
“Forms have been filled out and we’ve requested a review, but we’ve had no response at all. We sent another email earlier today, but still nothing. What really grates is that there are so many spoof accounts still out there. Some are even on book deals.”
“There are plans in motion for a comeback, but there are obvious concerns about dumping an account with nearly 40,000 followers. The worry about starting a new one is that people might worry it’s just another chancer stealing the idea . Hopefully, they’ll be familiar enough with the style to know that it’s the real thing.”
Invigorated by the support his followers have shown him over the past three days, @thebig_sam is insistent that, unlike his tenure at Blackburn Rovers, his Twitter career isn’t over yet.
“I’m weighing up my options,” he said thoughtfully. “But I can tell you this. I’ll be back. With a bang. Like – BOOM! The resurrection will soon be upon us.”
Supplier of Piffle attempted to contact Twitter for comment repeatedly over the weekend, but by the time we pressed ‘Publish’, they still hadn’t got back to us.
Just a few answers to inevitable questions.
1, No, I am not @thebig_sam. I’d never have been able to keep something like this going for so long. I’m a fan of his work. There are dozens of spoof accounts out there, but none share the same inventive flair. It’s not just offensive nonsense, it’s perfectly crafted, meticulously layered, three-dimensional offensive nonsense. Some people have asked why I’m banging his drum so much. Put simply, he’s made me laugh until the wee comes out on so many occasions over the last 18 months that I just wanted to let him know someone cared.
2, How do I know it’s him? I asked him a particularly random question about a plot line from June 2010. He answered swiftly, not only with the unGoogleable details I required, but in the same incomparable style. That’ll do for me.
3, What’s next? That’s entirely down to him. We’ve done our bit now. The letter has been RTd over 700 times, it trended for a worryingly long time and, by now, it will have been read by the Twitter Overlords. I’d like to thank everyone for their help and support. Yeah, it’s a daft little spoof internet account. But it was our daft little spoof internet account and it made us giggle. There are worse things in this life to care about.
Suppression of parody is one of the final stages of dictatorship
We know where you live, mate
The Secret Police
http://outsidetheshanklygates.wordpress.com/
Big Sam is the only reason I use twitter, the opportunist account that popped up when the original was shut down makes James Patterson’s writing appear as intellectually driven as Oscar Wildes.
The imitation may satisfy some followers, but hopefully most will realise how bad it really is and the real Big Sam will prevail.
The sooner twitter realises the terrible mistake it has made and reinstates him the better for us all.
God help the impersonator.
Is the real Sam Allardyce suing TheBig_Sam?
What’s next? Banning Jon Culshaw or Alistair McGowen (admittedly McGowan is toss, but you get catch my drift) I hear that @simple_as_mike is next on twitters shit list, we might as well all give up.
But please Iain, don’t stop doing what you do, always fantastic!
The use of exclamation marks makes me suspect the authenticity of this repost.
I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Actually, I added one of those exclamation marks. Along with the ‘roared’ bit. I think Quentin Tarantino, who has had his run-ins with journalists, calls this, “being done by verbs.”
I choose to believe you, but if I’ve been hoodwinked then my fury will be swift and feeble.
The King is dead. Long live the King!
Nice one Iain. Glad there’s someone of influence on the case and great to hear @TheBig_Sam will return.
Shame none of the BBC, Guardian and Times journalists put in a press request from Twitter to put some pressure on them (maybe they did, but they chose to keep it quiet). Would like to think that a deluge of press requests from them (as well as respected writers like yourself) would have drawn some kind of response from the fun police.
This is going to sound ridiculous and crude and ill thought out, but – I don’t know – something bothers me that in the same week social networking is being held up as a torch for truth and justice in places like Egypt and Libya, it then shows all the backbone of a runny blamange when confronted by one pompous old fart too full of his own self importance. Speaking of which, ‘fanny salad!’ That’s better. I’m off to shove a mint cornetto up my arse in respect.
Free up good humour! Big Sam – you’ve got a lot to answer for with the type of football you’ve encouraged and the way you’ve chewed your gum whilst enjoying it. I’m glad you were banned from doing that!