Don’t Take Our Big Sam Away

Dear Twitter Overlords,

We turn our faces to heaven, but our brightest star no longer twinkles.

Your decision to shut the Twitter account of @thebig_sam has caused great upset in the Twittosphere and I write to you today, on behalf of many, to demand an explanation.

@thebig_sam was a creeping finger of sunlight, rising up through all of our timelines, illuminating and warming everything he touched. Without him, Twitter is a cold, cold place. Why did you end his existence?

I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me that he contravened your parody policy. But he didn’t. And here’s why.

Username – The username should not be the exact name of the subject of the parody.

@thebig_sam is very different from Sam Allardyce. There aren’t as many letters, for starters.

Bio – The bio should include a statement to distinguish it from the real identity

“Breathing Northern fire over the wheatfields of the beautiful game.”

Football manager Sam Allardyce has many skills, but he is not a dragon. He cannot combust his own breath. Therefore, the implication that @thebig_sam can snort clouds of flame at will is a clear statement to distinguish it from the real identity. I will, of course, concede this point if the real Sam Allardyce sneezes and accidentally burns a small village to the ground.

Communication with other users – The account should not, through private or public communication with other users, try to deceive or mislead others about your identity

@thebig_sam didn’t follow or direct message anybody. His public communications were limited to small scale spats or well-executed wooing manoeuvres, the likes of which you and I could only dream of being able to demonstrate.

Twitter Overlords, only a certified moron could ever confuse @thebig_sam with Sam Allardyce. The real Sam Allardyce watches and comments upon Premier League football. @thebig_sam watches and comments upon the classic 80s movie ’Labyrinth.’

The real Sam Allardyce has never yet professed an interest in contemporary music. @thebig_sam regularly tweeted the lyrics of such diverse acts as Another Level and Kenny Loggins.

The real Sam Allardyce wears a suit to work and has never been caught in a compromising position. @thebig_sam was recently caught masturbating while dressed as a Care Bear. Clearly, they are not the same person.

Please, if you can’t restore @thebig_sam in his original form, at least give him the chance to amend his details accordingly. Nearly 40,000 of us woke up on Saturday morning to discover something horrible. We hadn’t lost a follower. We’d lost a friend.

Yours, in hope

Iain Macintosh